Two for Love

Waiting at a red light, I start to think about her and wonder if she is thinking of me. Here we are, two women, not all that different, yet a world a part. We’ve both had our share of moments; moments in triumph, shame, joy, melancholy. The sum of those moments has brought us to the state we find ourselves in today. Now we travel from our separate lives to meet at the same place, at the same time for one purpose: love, the love for two wonderful little boys.

As I pull into the parking lot of Child and Family Services, I spot her bleach blonde pony tail; she quickly puts out her cigarette and goes inside. At 5-foot-10, I rarely meet women who are taller than me. She just happens to be one of them: a gently reminder from God to be humble. The walk from the car inside is always surreal. The boys call out to her in their excitement and in that instance I lose my title as Mommy. Now I am simply Abby the Foster Mom. At this particular exchange I have pictures of the boys to give her. Certain song lyrics come to mind and give comfort; “I’ve got your picture, she’s got you.” How can she not be thinking that, I tell myself. She gets the boys 2 hours a week, I have them the other 166.

 

I’ve learned a parent training class lets out at the same time I arrive to pick up the boys. I stand at a distance from the door I know they’ll come through eventually. For now there are plenty of folks to quietly gawk at. God, it’s easy to judge these people. They’re not so different from you, I tell myself as I smile politely. Then my smile grows into genuine glee when I see the boys. Good-byes are always hurried, probably to avoid awkwardness. There is again a strange aura as the three of us go to my car, and she goes to her car. We return to our separate lives. I wonder what she is feeling; here are these two wonderful boys whom she cared for from conception until 22 months of age. Now they’re with me. Does she fight the urge to run back for one more kiss and hug, is she holding back tears or…not.

 The ride home has been pretty quiet lately, it’s hard to say exactly why they are so quiet. I try not to psychoanalyze the boys’ disposition. They usually liven up when we get home. Probably for the same reason any one cheers up when going home—it’s home. I cheer up too with the resumption of my status as Mommy. For now, for a moment, everything returns to normal.

Paradoxes of God

There are reasons why Jesus spoke in parables. One is to make it necessary to seek and work to find Him. I have recently been working to reconcile a couple contradictions around the idea of God and Christianity.

The first example is the thought that God is more vast than the entire universe–the ENTIRE universe. Not just our solar system, or our one galaxy, but ALL of it. The smarties who study that stuff say there’s hundreds of billions of galaxies. I try to wrap my head around that and then think He knows the number of hairs on my head (Matt 10). What? He knows me better than I know myself, right? And not just me, everyone. How can a God so indefinite also be so intimate? But eventually I accept it….or fall asleep.

The next example involves trying to live the true Christian lifestyle. There is a certain contradition that surfaces when one starts focusing less on this life and more on the next. First comes the feeling of being free. Compared to eternity this life is “a vapor”(James 4:14), so why worry about failings and shortcomings, why take it too seriously at all, right? But then, as I matured in my walk, I felt convicted to follow the example and teachings of Jesus Christ. He gave us one new commandment: to love others as He loved us(John 13:34). Now is seems there are not enough hours in the day, so much to do…so much I could have done. How can I be so involved in this world but also keep my heart fixed on heaven?

In the end, these paradoxes only reveal how grand our God is and how fulfilling and challengeing a life pursueing Him can be. I will thank Him for that everyday.

Be careful what you pray for.

I’ve been saying I need to pray more since I became a Christian. That’s probably what every Christian thinks at some point in their journey. Life is busy and noisy. It’s difficult to find long periods of quiet alone time with God. We are fostering twin 2 year old boys, hoping to adopt them, so you can imagine the craziness that ensues! I’m grateful to be able to stay home with them, but sometimes I envy women who drive to work…in a quiet car…all alone.

So when I do carve out some quality time with the Lord, I often find myself praying with intense passion and love. I’m sure part of the reason for that is God motivating me to pray more often, but also I recognize that these moments between me and my Lord are so precious, so priceless, that I feel obligated to pour myself out to Him. Such was the case when I began to pray on behalf of my Church. The Church requested we pray for guidance in getting involved in the AIDS epidemic in Africa. A funny thing happens when attempting to talk to God about such a mind-boggling, massive issue: it’s humbling. I started to feel so insignificant and small that I ended up just begging God to use me. “I’m here for you God, tell me what you want me to do” I said. “I will be listening and looking for your guidance, God. Use me, God, use me up!” I prayed like this for about a week.

I did start looking for opportunities to serve and get involved. I even started getting a little anxious about it…now I know why. About a month after the prayers I got a call from a friend who I hadn’t talked to in a while. She said that she knew a girl who was pregnant and planning on giving up her baby….were we interested to adopting? Wow! See she knew that we wanted to adopt and have a baby. It had been a while since we prayed for a baby. The pregnant girl would be due in just 4 months, if she went full term. Which meant we could potentially have 3 kids under 3 years old…in one year! I thought, “That’s crazy. Right? A newborn is a lot of work. I’m already busy…adding a baby it would be non-stop…is this possible? God gently eased my worry and said “Yes, with Me it is possible, but it will take ALL of you. I will use all of you.”