I remember the day marriage finally made sense to me. I was flying to a speaking engagement and complaining to God in prayer.

God, you knew what I was like and what I would need in a husband. So are You sure You knew what You were doing when You led me to Hugh?

I was convinced God brought the two of us together. I knew He was in it from the day I met Hugh. But certainly God knew that my husband would not be one to express himself verbally in the way I was expecting. Certainly God knew that I would many times need more, emotionally, than my husband appeared able to give. So why did God let it happen? And why wasn’t He transforming my husband so he would be the kind of man to meet my needs and expectations?

It was then as if God had pulled me aside and whispered something profound to me:

“Perhaps I was looking at what he needed.”

According to the Bible, man was created in the image of God. And woman was created to be man’s helper. Woman was created so man would be complete. God didn’t create Adam so Eve could be romanced. To the contrary, He created Eve so Adam would have a helper…one suited for him in every way (Genesis 2:18).

In other words, it wasn’t all about me. Ouch!

I’m embarrassed to say that for the first 15 or so years of our marriage, I never really thought too much about what my husband needed in a wife…but I thought quite a bit about what I needed in a husband and how he was falling short of my expectations. I hadn’t put my own feelings aside long enough to say, “God, show me why you brought me into this man’s life and how I can truly help him be all that You created him to be.”  I hadn’t put myself on the shelf long enough to see the bigger, more beautiful picture of what God has in mind when He brings two people, who are very different from each other,  together to form a union.

It’s tough to leave self on the shelf. Self wants to rule. Self wants its own way. Self suffocates. And self destroys.

The Bible shows us what the opposite of self looks like when it describes love, which is self less:

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! First Corinthians 13:4-8a, CEV

Sometimes our marriage looks the opposite of the biblical description of love. We can be unkind, impatient, jealous, boastful, proud and even rude! There are times we are quick-tempered with each other. And God knows there are times we keep records of the wrongs we do to each other. But recognizing what we don’t want our relationship to look like is one of the first steps to walking together toward a newer, fresher, lovelier one.

When I got home from that speaking engagement, I had a new perspective on my marriage. Instead of praying for my husband to meet my needs, I began to ask God to show me how I could meet my husband’s. Instead of looking at his short-comings, I began to ask God to expose to me my own.  Instead of focusing on my desires, I began to pray about how I could meet his.  And it not only gave me grace to extend to his weaknesses (as I became more aware of my own) but it changed my heart. And our marriage.

My friend, Rhonda, told me how she was able to leave herself on the shelf in her marriage, when it came to expecting her husband, Steve, to meet all of her needs.
“As I grew more intimate with Christ, I let my husband off the hook. He no longer had to be my everything. I could find joy, rest, security and peace in my relationship with Christ. My husband no longer had to be my god. He could be my husband, my friend, my ministry mate. The intimacy in our relationship has always been healthier when I pursue intimacy with Christ first over trying to squeeze every ounce of life out of my husband to make me feel like we are intimate. As we each work on growing more intimate with Christ we find we are more intimate with each other.”

Women are not the only ones who need to take their primary needs to God in the relationship. If a husband is expecting his wife to be his all in all, he, too, will be disappointed. She can only give so much. He must look to God, his Heavenly Father, for his affirmation, sense of worth, and validation as a man. As he becomes certain of who he is in God’s eyes, he won’t depend on his wife to fill a hole in his soul.

Marriage is tough. It shows us how selfish we tend to be. It shows us how much we need God to mend the brokenness in our lives. It shows us how far we really need to go when it comes to being Christ-like in our individual lives and in our marriage. But when we get a glimpse of what God wants to do in and through each of us to help us become more like Himself, we find we have an awesome privilege and responsibility in front of us in this arena called marriage.

To be part of God’s work in our spouse’s life is to say “God, not what I need, but what my spouse needs. Use me to build up and encourage my spouse and make him (or her) the person you want them to be.” When we say “Not what I need, but what my spouse needs” we are, in a sense, imitating Jesus’ prayer shortly before going to the cross, in which He said to His Father: “Not my will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22:39). Jesus was literally giving up His life for ours. So can we, then, be willing to give up our own comforts, needs, and expectations for the other?

There is no more direct way to draw your spouse’s heart toward yours than to put yourself on the shelf and say “not my will, but yours.”

Not my choice of a restaurant tonight, but yours.

Not my choice of a movie this time, but yours.

Not my night to have uninterrupted sleep, but yours.

Not my story to dominate the conversation, but yours.

Not my feelings to protect today, but yours.

Not my dream to pursue right now, but yours.

As you develop a habit of putting the other person first, you may be surprised to find that the phrase eventually becomes “not my ______, but ours.”

Can you leave yourself on the shelf long enough to truly put your husband or wife first? It doesn’t come natural. At times, it doesn’t come easy. But it does bring priceless – and precious – results. You will end up drawing your hearts closer together.

Published on January 6, 2010

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and the author of several books including When Women Walk Alone, Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs, and Women on the Edge.  This article is based on her book When Couples Walk Together, which she co-authored with her husband, Hugh, a pastor.   For more on their Southern California-based ministry or for free resources on troubleshooting your marriage connection, see www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

As I pull into the parking lot of Child and Family Services, I spot her bleach blonde pony tail. She quickly puts out her cigarette and goes inside. At 5-foot-10 I rarely meet women who are taller than me. She just happens to be one of them; a gentle reminder from God to be humble. The walk from the car inside is always surreal. The boys call out to her in their excitement and in that instance I lose my title as Mommy. Now I am simply Abby the Foster Mom. At this particular exchange I have pictures of the boys to give her. Certain song lyrics come to mind and give comfort: “I’ve got your picture, she’s got you.” How can she not be thinking that, I tell myself. She gets the boys 2 hours a week, I have them the other 166.

I’ve found that a parent training class lets out at the same time I arrive to pick up the boys. I stand at a distance from the door I know they’ll come through. For now there are plenty of folks wandering the halls to quietly gawk at. God it’s easy to judge these people. They’re not so different from you, I tell myself, as I smile politely. Then my smile grows more genuine when I see the boys make their way toward me. Good-byes are always hurried, probably to avoid awkwardness. There is a strange aura as the three of us go to my car, and she goes to her car. I wonder what she is feeling; here are these two wonderful boys whom she cared for from conception until 22 months of age. Now they’re with me. Does she fight the urge to run back for one more kiss and hug, is she holding back tears…or…not.

 The ride home has been pretty quiet lately, it’s hard to say exactly why. I try not to psychoanalyze the boys’ disposition. They usually liven up when we get home. Probably for the same reason any one cheers up—it’s home. I cheer up too with the resumption of my status as Mommy. For now, for the moment, everything returns to normal.

The first example is the thought that God is more vast than the entire universe–the ENTIRE universe. Not just our solar system, or our one galaxy, but ALL of it. The smarties who study that stuff say there’s hundreds of billions of galaxies. I try to wrap my head around that and then think He knows the number of hairs on my head (Matt 10). What? He knows me better than I know myself, right? And not just me, everyone. How can a God so indefinite also be so intimate? But eventually I accept it….or fall asleep.

The next example involves trying to live the true Christian lifestyle. There is a certain contradition that surfaces when one starts focusing less on this life and more on the next. First comes the feeling of being free. Compared to eternity this life is “a vapor”(James 4:14), so why worry about failings and shortcomings, why take it too seriously at all, right? But then, as I matured in my walk, I felt convicted to follow the example and teachings of Jesus Christ. He gave us one new commandment: to love others as He loved us(John 13:34). Now is seems there are not enough hours in the day, so much to do…so much I could have done. How can I be so involved in this world but also keep my heart fixed on heaven?

In the end, these paradoxes only reveal how grand our God is and how fulfilling and challengeing a life pursueing Him can be. I will thank Him for that everyday.

So when I do carve out some quality time with the Lord, I often find myself praying with intense passion and love. I’m sure part of the reason for that is God motivating me to pray more often, but also I recognize that these moments between me and my Lord are so precious, so priceless, that I feel obligated to pour myself out to Him. Such was the case when I began to pray on behalf of my Church. The Church requested we pray for guidance in getting involved in the AIDS epidemic in Africa. A funny thing happens when attempting to talk to God about such a mind-boggling, massive issue: it’s humbling. I started to feel so insignificant and small that I ended up just begging God to use me. “I’m here for you God, tell me what you want me to do” I said. “I will be listening and looking for your guidance, God. Use me, God, use me up!” I prayed like this for about a week.

I did start looking for opportunities to serve and get involved. I even started getting a little anxious about it…now I know why. About a month after the prayers I got a call from a friend who I hadn’t talked to in a while. She said that she knew a girl who was pregnant and planning on giving up her baby….were we interested to adopting? Wow! See she knew that we wanted to adopt and have a baby. It had been a while since we prayed for a baby. The pregnant girl would be due in just 4 months, if she went full term. Which meant we could potentially have 3 kids under 3 years old…in one year! I thought, “That’s crazy. Right? A newborn is a lot of work. I’m already busy…adding a baby it would be non-stop…is this possible? God gently eased my worry and said “Yes, with Me it is possible, but it will take ALL of you. I will use all of you.”

” But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. “

My husband, Mark, often refers to “the veil being lifted” when talking about finding God. This metaphor originates from a truth found in the Bible. It refers to seeing the world through a different lens; gaining a certain perspective that only God can reveal. It’s the veil that seperates the believers from the non-believers.

As a Christian who came to Christ in adulthood, I struggle still with reconciling previous notions of religion and faith. The struggle as a new believer quite simply is that the veil reveals an additional perspective. The most difficult part of finding the Truth is accepting all that is suddenly false.

Recently I was involved in a conversation about Christianity vs. other religions. “Isn’t it possible”, they argued, “that there is another way to get to heaven apart from Jesus?”  My first instinct was, of course, no. “How do you explain the millions of people that have lived and died and never heard the name Jesus or heard of the Bible?” I couldn’t. “Isn’t it possible that God–that Jesus–is bigger, more complex, more versatile than we know?” Well, yes, it is possible…

But truth can not be based on what we don’t know, what we can’t know. Before the veil is lifted they ask “who are we to say who is right and wrong…who are you to say?”  Therein lies the struggle. I went on this spiritual journey, I asked these questions. I eventually found my answers and the Truth. But what would have happened if I had found the answers that led to something other than Jesus? What if I had been born in another country without churches, without the Bible, without Christianity; what would I believe? Because Christanity is the most common and most accepted religion in the U.S., is it really any surprise that I gravitated toward it, as opposed to some other religion. Should I just consider myself lucky that I had easy access to the Truth? In the end, it’s not just about a religion. God is bigger than that. I believe Jesus is God, therefore, I must concede that Jesus has the ability to reveal Himself to all, in ways I can’t understand.

I understand now why it seems like Christians are closed minded and intolerant. First of all, the Truth is narrow, so it’s either narrow mindedness or hypocrisy. Secondly, there are so many arguments from the non-believers it becomes exhausting and constantly tests the faith of believers to engage in discussion.

As for me, I will continue to work on reconciling my new life with old thought and take refuge in knowing the Truth: Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.

I had been over that mountain pass with my family many times before. It was summer when Mom and I were making this particular trip together, I was 12 years old. It’s a very scenic drive…blue sky, red mountain, green trees. I remember looking out the window of the car, just daydreaming, contemplating on the scene that surrounded me, like I’d done so many times before. I had seen the trees and river and everything before but I had never really thought about how it came to be. This time though, it sort of dawned on me that…this was all because of…God. No question and no wonder; just God was here. All of this magnificent beauty was designed by and created by Him, and all at once I felt overwhelmed. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the immense scale God worked on. As we made our way up the mountain it seemed every time I blinked I saw something new and incredible. I realized abruptly and profoundly that God was in all of it. Every rock and tree, every leaf and flower…every everything and for the first time I felt God, and I knew He was right there with me. I smiled and quietly thanked Him for it all.

Then I turned to Mom and said “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes” she replied.

“Especially when you know that God created it all.”

Mom smiled, “Yeah.”

Neither of us said anything for a time after that…and it was a very long time…years in fact before I spoke to God again.

First, I’m a relatively new Christian and before Christianity I was a disciple of reason and a worshiper of science. Now, typically, it is in the conversation of evolution versus creationism that science and religion forever conflict, but psychology, I believe, exposes far more conflicts and contradictions. There are so many variables involved in trying to explain actions behind decision making or behaviors. It seems one inescapable variable is that there is never an objective opinion; one cannot assess another’s psychological state apart from his own state, therefore it seems there’s little empirical evidence derived. Personally I didn’t have problem with this…until I began searching for God. Like other non-believers, I found Christian’s claim that God was “everywhere” and “there are no coincidences” to be more of a state of mind, rather than evidence of God. It makes sense: if one doesn’t believe in coincidences, then one will not see them. The same idea can be applied to “seeing” the devil. As a Christian I do believe in the devil and evil, but, for some reason–and maybe those of you reading can enlighten me–I rarely choose to acknowledge his presence.

The second reason is much more pragmatic, I just don’t like making excuses for myself. There will always be evil forces at work in the world. Period.